So, last night I found myself looking at YouTube. Only this time it wasn’t videos of screaming goats that sound like humans, or about some crazy zits being squeezed, or about decapitated reptile heads that still bite if prodded. No… this time it was far more than that. 

YouTube Porn 

I was fatigued and a bit frustrated about some things in life and was looking for even more of a release. I decided to look up some videos that would trigger a lil’ bit of lust. Of course, I thought to myself “Hey, it’s only YouTube—it doesn’t count as porn.” I knew I was fooling myself. I even made sure to take off my Rosary bracelet before beginning this wild goose chase towards false fulfillment. 

In my heart I knew that I was hurting myself. In my heart I knew I was countering all of the graces that were preparing my heart for my future spouse, should that be in God’s plan for me. 

Having been a porn addict since the age of nine, and having been freed from that addiction for less than two years, I knew that a relapse was possible if not probable (I am in my 30’s today). And just like relapses into other drugs, the relapse into porn often draws us into a deeper and crazier pursuit of the same high we got the very first time. Come on guys (and girls), I can see you nodding your head to this. That is why we have to be realistic with ourselves about its grip on us. 

Transgender Porn 

Well, this time around, I stumbled into cross-dressing porn and then transgender porn. Yup. It’s a bit humbling. But the crazy thing I realized was how this stuff was being marketed . . . to men, as a means of becoming a REAL man. That is, I noticed that among mainstream net-culture, there is this idea coming into force that if you are a REAL man, you would be comfortable with having sex with a transgender-identified person, because “she” is actually a “woman” and doing so would be an example to the world of your confidence in your masculinity. 

It’s a subtle way of thinking that is slowly creeping though our culture… 

However, and as you might imagine, many of the men who have had their masculinity stripped from them (via the use of porn, or via our effeminate culture which has taught them that it is nearly shameful to be a man) are looking for reasons to be validated in their manhood. 

Finding Myself in Christ

Before I truly encountered Christ, I was one of those men. First, I was sucked into the idea that porn could substitute a relationship. Then I realized that porn was destroying possible future relationships because it twisted my view of all people. The thing is, with the sexual buffet as it is today, and with it being more “manly” to take higher risks, push the envelope, and become more sexually active, I began to rationalize to myself that I could have sex with a transgendered person, and use that encounter to validate myself as a man. 

Often, I looked into how I could pursue that encounter . . . but I never did. I knew myself too well. See, just like the online porn, I wouldn’t have just said no to the “opportunity” once I found it, and I knew I sure as heck wouldn’t have been able to stop at just one. I’m glad I never experimented. 

It took Jesus Christ to quell my lust, and to order my attractions towards holiness — becoming chaste and respectful of God’s image in males and females. I hope you can appreciate that this turnaround didn’t happen overnight. 

Nonetheless, the images and memories have been burned into my brain. Every time I would blink, that is what I would see. However, God had begun to blot some of those memories out. But Satan is close by to bring them back. I know I must abide in Christ daily in order to be rid of those temptations. 

Because I love Jesus Christ, I carry this cross. This is what makes me a man today. 

To the brothers like me, please, know you are not alone.


Originally posted on
The Porn Effect website (no longer active).

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Courage member Hudson Byblow is an author, speaker, and consultant whose primary focus is the building of relationships in which people may become open to further discussion. It is within those relationships that he is able to effectively walk with others into a deepening understanding of some of the most difficult topics facing our Church today. More information and resources can be found at hudsonbyblow.com.

The opinions and experiences expressed in each blog entry in “The Upper Room” belong solely to the original authors and do not necessarily reflect the views and policies of Courage International, Inc. Some entries have been edited for length and clarity.