Member Testimony: Peter
I come from New England and I'd like to share with you my story. But before I do I'd like to share some recent happenings.
In the last few years I've made some really excellent friends. One of them was one that I had know since Junior High but only in the last few years came to know well. I considered him to be my best friend. We were hiking partners.
Six months ago he was diagnosed with Leukemia. Apparantly his condition was advanced and in the last few months, I was gifted with the opportunity to be with him regularly as his health failed. Before I knew it he was hospitalized and put on morphine. During the last few weeks, we had the chance to do all the things that really seem to count for best friends.
After he had gone on to the Lord, I decided to go away for a week by myself, hiking in the mountains.I had never done this alone before, but I felt led to spend some solitary time with the Lord.
I hiked up mount Moosilakee. It’s a steep mountain with lots of cascading water falls. After 2 hours of hiking, I reached the ¾ mark, and realized that I was truly alone on this mountain. I felt afraid thinking about the possible dangers that awaited me. Would a bear charge me or was there a mountain lion stalking me? Would I trip and hurt myself and not be able to make it off of the mountain? I even recalled a recent story of a cow mauled to death by a mountain lion not more than 10 miles from the mountain.
I began to pray. I started with the Rosary. I think I went through fifteen decades. I then began to praise God and sang until I ran out of songs. When I was finished, I looked around and listened to the peace about me. The only sound was the rushing of the wind. Rain clouds rushed across the top of the mountain and I saw that I was headed into some rough weather. By that time I was nearly at the top. Still quite afraid, I prayed and felt God telling me to not be afraid but to press forward. I continued on.
By then drizzle had begun and the temperature dropped to about 40 degrees. The wind increased and I could barely see in front of me. I could only see one cairn (piles of rocks pointing the way of the trail) at a time guiding me toward the top. At times, there were signs along the way pointing in other directions, but I knew inside I had chosen the right path and so I held to one that indicated the summit.
After another half-hour I finally reached the top. It was quite windy. I spotted a enormous rock there and huddled down in the protection that it offered me from the wind and rain. With the wind cut, there was total silence. I sat there thanking God for coming through on His promise of safety.
I changed out of my wet clothes and began to have a meal with the Lord. Joining me was a jackrabbit, red squirrel and small bird. They seemed to be content hanging around as I recalled times with my best friend.
And so once again I place you and myself in the shelter of the Rock, the Lord Jesus.
Please pray with me now.
Come Lord Jesus. Fill the hearts of your faithful. Enkindle in them the fire of your love. Send forth your spirit and we shall be created and you shall renew the face of the earth.
I’m here to share with you my journey in and out of homosexuality. Keep in mind that mine is just one story. I now have dozens of friends who experienced somewhat different paths but have come to many of the same conclusions that I have come to.
Growing up I, like perhaps some of you found relating to others to be a challenging experience. I felt much of the time like I was lost in space. I found it difficult to initiate friendships and difficult to maintain them.
In looking back I can now see that my difficulty in part, sprang out of certain unfulfilled needs.
Do you remember when you were a kid? You guys at one point started needing to feel like one of the guys and you girls started needing to feel like one of the girls. That’s a need for peer love. It’s a real basic need and it lasts for life. And before that time, you guys needed to feel loved by your dad and you girls needed to feel loved by your mom.
We get from these people the acceptance and space to be ourselves. In other words we get unconditional love. Getting that need met when we are kids does something for us. And when it is not met, we can run into problems.
In those early stages, my need for unconditional love went for the most part unmet. I definitely did not feel like one of the guys and I definitely did not feel the safety of my father’s love. I think that’s where much of it started for me.
Now for as long as I can remember, I have had same-sex desires and ten years ago I would have told you that I was gay. I was supporting and very much a part of the whole gay scene. I went to gay bars, gay parades, gay conferences, gay hiking trips, gay restaurants and vacation spots.
It’s a bit of a challenge to stand here before you and talk about all the difficulties, the sin and the choices I made. But God’s grace brought me out of what I now consider dark times and I believe His grace is here right now.
So how far back ? . . . . Well my mom said I came out breach in the waiting room one month early. Well at least I landed on my feet!
That I don’t remember, thank God! But seriously, from my earliest memories I can remember God’s presence. In fact He’s always been around. I’ve always just known that deep down in my day to day existence and when I found myself in the presence of the Eucharist.
As I grew I was like every other kid. I had my interests and things I liked doing. At some point in the single digits, I began to desire to be more with my father. That’s a natural thing. So I turned from my Mom toward him. I looked for his guidance and his "OK" to come close. But he did not give it to me. This hurt and I felt betrayed. I began to lose my love and respect for him.
Like many of us, my dad had his problems. He struggled with work-aholism. He worked too much. And alcoholism. He drank too much. To the outside world, he was a happy hardworking person. At home he was frequently harsh, intimidating and arrogant. I knew somehow that this was making his despair and loneliness and at times I felt bad for him.
Never the less he wasn’t there emotionally for me and the rest of the family. At some point early on I began to be the emotional support for the family and especially my mother. This put me in an awkward place. At this very important time, my childhood, I felt forced to do a very adult thing. I had to support my mother in place of him.
So, I needed my dad's love, but it was kept distant from me as I took on some untimely responsibilities. This hurt. This hurt a lot. I felt engulfed by the pain of it all. And, I became sad and angry about it as there seemed no way out. These strong feelings of mine didn’t seem to help though. I just felt more and more bad about it all.
Eventually, to protect or defend myself, I began to put up walls and detach from this real and painful place in my life. I began watching a lot of TV. I stayed away from my dad. I didn’t want to be like him. I didn’t want to know him. I also felt a growing distance from the boys in my neighborhood and school. I just couldn't seem to identify with them. Although I wanted to be friends with them, I was afraid of them and what they 'might' do to me. Frequently, I felt like I was fumbling around them and so to be safe, I kept them at a distance.
I began to distance myself from my feelings too. They were just too much for me to bear. Anger and fear were quickly denied and drowned out by the distractions of television and other imaginative pursuits.
Television was the perfect escape for me. It blurred out the noise and disappointments. It made me feel safe and "happy". It gave me something to laugh at. It made a great wall.
TV became a substitute for my dad. A good one too. It never yelled at me, never put me down and it would present nicer adults for me to be with in my imagination. My growing channel surfing habit became a kind of daily quest for the good dad and even friend experience. The characters weren’t real but I didn’t seem to pay much attention to that fact.
Now up to this point I didn't really experience sexual feelings, but more of a desire to be in the loving and accepting presence of other men and boys. I watched them all from a distance and never got close enough to make any real contact with them.
Approaching junior high, when puberty arrived, the search took on a new character. Sexual feelings flooded in and began to attach themselves to the images I was focusing in on. I didn’t know what was going on and I was scared but also amazed. I started masturbating.
In regards to my knowledge of sexuality at this time, I had somewhat of a sheltered life and knew nothing about the sexual feelings I was beginning to experience. All I knew in my little isolated world was that I found a new way to relieve my pain.
Did I experience sexual feelings for girls too? No. For whatever reason, there seemed to be no room in me for that. I would talk a lot to the girls in school and in the neighborhood. It was a kind of frenetic talk that kept them close in conversation but at a distance too. I now know that the talking too was a form of self protection.
Then in high school, I started to talk with counselors. I was sad and felt confused. I was concerned that I couldn’t make friends. The counselors helped me to air out my feelings. It felt good to do so in the presence of an adult and not be criticized. And yet we never seemed to get at the crux of the matter. I never seemed to receive enough truth-filled leadership. It all seemed like fluff talk.
In college I mentioned to a counselor my masturbation and attraction to men. That counselor brought definition to my experience. He said, "Peter, have you considered that you might be gay?" He then in later sessions indicated to me in subtle ways that I might find greater satisfaction in having sex with men.
I believe now that he meant well, but was really offering me a form of misguided compassion to help me with my pain. But, you know?. . . He really didn’t understand me.
On the surface I was thrilled to think that I would be connecting with others and it would be a pleasure-full experience instead of painful, but deep down, what he was saying didn’t seem to sit right with me. But, I figured that I was naïve and didn’t know enough about all these things.
The counselor suggested that I visit a gay support group in the area. I did and right when I entered the room, I became overwhelmed by the closeness and sensations I was experiencing all at once from other men.
Soon, I met a person there with whom I had my first sexual encounter. Before long I started have sex with other guys. First one then another. Some I stayed with for six or more months, others a few weeks. There seemed to be and endless supply of sex partners.
Amidst all of this sexual excitement, I still had an ache inside. But I felt compelled to continue on with the gay sex as it helped me to forget about the pain. For five years, I tried to find the love I needed in some guy’s arms and at times I felt I had it. I also felt accepted and like one of the group.
Was I scared of getting AIDS? Yes I was. But I was so focused on the sexual pleasure and the possibility of developing true friendships that it seemed to promise, that it just didn't seem to matter much to me at the time to think about the dangers of STD's.
Although there was one encounter that stopped me in my tracks forcing me to reconsider what I was doing. After inviting a stranger off the street to come into my apartment after getting the signals from him that he wanted sex and in the middle of having sex with him, I asked him what his name was. He said, "No names. Just sex. Now get on with it."
I knew at that point that something was very wrong with the direction I was heading. No more was it left up to my imagination to guess that these encounters would possibly lead to a fulfilling way of life. I began to turn to my belief in God for answers.
Now this may sound strange, but while all of this was going on, I believed in God. I attended mass and prayed a lot but frequently found myself crying for no apparent reason.
Then it happened. I started crying out to the Lord in the midst of my tears. I began desperately asking for his help.
Not to long later, a woman named Mimi, I barely knew at work approached me in the cafeteria and said, "Peter, would you mind have lunch with me?" I agreed and we shared lunch. As we were getting ready to leave, she paused and said, "Peter, prayer is an important part of my life. I’m Christian and sometimes I get a word of knowledge for someone. I have one for you. Would you mind if I share it with you? I said, "Sure, let’s go for a walk."
I had no idea what was about to happen. As we walked through the parking lot, she continued on. "If I’m wrong Peter, I apologize. But do you struggle with homosexual feelings?" I did something I never had never done before in front of anyone except a counselor from years back. I broke down in tears. "Yes", I replied, "And I am suffering so much."
A strange experience ensued. I felt such deep sorrow, I wept as she embraced me, and yet, I felt total joy at the same time. God was reaching out to me through the fog, with the arms of another.
She took my hand and prayed with me. Later she told me about a group at her church where people who struggled as I did, gave and received support to one another toward approaching the issues surrounding homosexuality from a Christian perspective. I joined through group and began attending weekly meetings.
The next year and a half were great! The group helped me to put many of the pieces of my life together. I began to realize what was going on inside me. I stopped having sex with men and masturbating and I had some great fellowship experiences. I felt like I was on the right track for the first time in my life.
I stayed with them for a while and received much from that time shared with them, but they weren’t Catholic and I knew in my heart that I needed to fellowship with others with the Eucharist at the center of our friendships. Being with them became an increasing problem for me, so I eventually drifted away.
I soon lost sight of where I was headed and started having sex again. I acted out much less than before but I became confused and lonely again all the same. I fell into despair and many nights I cried myself to sleep. I waited. Four years went by.
On one particular night, again after crying to the Lord, I felt Jesus speak to me. He told me to get back on track. I cried, no, I screamed out loud, "How Lord?! How can I?! Why have you left me alone again?! I can’t do this alone Lord!" In a loving and firm voice in my heart, He replied that He was going to help me.
Have you ever had that deep sense of God speaking to you? It’s a gift. Pay attention to it.
That week a friend called. He had no idea of my situation. He was just a church acquaintance wanting to get back in touch. On that particular day, he just happened to call me. He began rattling off about his work with teens and began asking me if I would be willing to help out. I said, "No, ... no Bob, I just can't." He asked, "Why not? What's happening?" I said, "I have something really big that I'm dealing with that I just can't share." He said, "Maybe take chance Peter? Please take a chance and tell me about it. " I paused and then began to share my struggle. I was scared but the words just seemed to flow out.
When I was finished, he said, "Yes, I think you need to deal with this first. Will you allow me to help you?" I said, "Ok, but what do you have in mind?" He paused and began telling me about a International Catholic support group for men and women called Courage. I said, "Really? Catholic? "Yes" He said, "And in fact, the very next week there just happens to be its annual conference in the area." I couldn't believe it. Yes! God came through again. I prayed, "Thank you Jesus! Thank you for your kindness and mercy and your people like Bob and Mimi!"
I went to the conference and felt God’s loving embrace again. I also began attending local Courage meetings weekly. During this time I began learning again. In fact I learned a new word, chastity, and began living it.
As I began to strive toward living a chaste life a new world opened up around me. Health friendships with men began forming and I felt a greater and deeper sense of maturity and love.
I also felt the moral support of others to continue on with chaste living. Things really began to come together. I began to attend Courage meetings. I fellowshipped with members outside the meetings hiking, visiting those in need, dining, and catching a movie now and then.
My desire to have sex subsided. I also began to have powerful dreams in which Jesus directed me to get back into the fight. He told me to put my life in good order and to remove anything that tempted me back into my addictions.
I gave away my television and began to attend mass and confession regularly. God I believe has honored my commitments.
Not too long afterwards he sent me an excellent Catholic counselor. In our sessions I identified more of the needs and have brought them to the Lord bit by bit and they are all being met one at a time. I have also learned how to better apply my Catholic beliefs in different situations.
As a result, I have taken back my hatred and defensiveness around my dad. I can love him now. In fact we get along remarkably well. Is he no longer an alcoholic? No, he still drinks, but I have found forgiveness to be a remarkable gift and have learned to take advantage of it regularly.
The pain? It’s gone. It seemed to burst one day like a storm cloud after the thunder and I began to feel a growing inner strength.
Am I still tempted. Yes at times but not so frequently anymore. Since now I have a stronger prayer life, the regular presence of Christ in the Eucharist, Confession and people I can turn to when I'm in need. I am also a presence to others who are in need. Supporting all this are several good friends who I can feel like one of the guys with. Some I met at a young adults group.
I am also dating women. What an awesome experience now to do it without feeling so much stress and the need to talk endlessly to keep that safe distance.
Do I engage in sexual activity with women now? No. In fact, I feel very strongly now about developing a friendship first and waiting until marriage before engaging in sex. I am finding through this a maturity and satisfaction that I never had in the gay life. I am also experiencing the desire to be closer to women that is more in line with natural male tendencies.
You know? It’s been a long journey, but honestly I can say it’s all been worth it. The growth, the learning and even the struggles over the years have in some ways been a gift, however, the last several years of chaste living in Christ have been truly the best years so far.
I've been given the opportunities to share my witness to others. I've also been learning the fullness of the Catholic faith and have come to a more solid sense of my relationship with God and others. Where I go from here I do not know. I will follow the guiding cairns one at a time and trust in God's love staying on His path.
Some final thoughts.
Do you have the gift of friendship to make another guy or girl feel like one of the guys or girls? If so, please share it. Even if the other puts before you that he or she is gay. You don't have to agree with what they are doing. Love does not always mean agreeing with someone. But, we are called to love. Bob and Mimi did not agree that I should go on with the gay life. But they did pray with me and offered their friendship and direction.
And if you yourself feel gay or tempted to engage in sex outside of marriage, strive to live chastely, learn as much as you can about what's you are going through, seek out true friendships and most importantly get close to the Lord. Cry out to Him and take his lead. He will not let you down.
Member Testimony: Mark
I thought I had the homosexuality under control. I'd been a Catholic for five years, went to daily Mass, prayed the rosary daily, went on one or two retreats a year, and volunteered at my parish. Yet, after a series of crises occurred, I once again became involved in addictive, homosexual behavior. So what happened? I'd had same sex attraction from the time I began to masturbate at age 12. I masturbated at least once a day, and developed a rich fantasy life by the time I did act out at age 24.
My family life was in many ways classic. My father was a "workaholic," a great provider -- but he was never there for me. He died when I was 15. My mother was controlling and overbearing. She was the disciplinarian. I had two brothers with whom I fought all the time. My older brother would beat me up and I, in turn, would beat up my younger brother.
In my late teens I had a dysfunctional romantic involvement with an older woman. Her jealous rages coupled with my emotional dependence on her made me give up every friend I had during an important period of development.
I had no faith life to speak of growing up, just a little Baptist training at a public elementary school for two years. The family never went to church or prayed. By the time I entered college, I'd become an avowed atheist and would argue with any believer. That's why it was such a surprise when I had a spiritual awakening after a three-year period of homosexual activity and heavy drinking. In fact, my last "lover" before my conversion was a pious Israeli Jew who read the bible to me in Hebrew. God really does use every opportunity.
Over the course of the next several years, I went to evangelical and Episcopal churches, read and prayed. I then became attracted to Catholicism because of the Scriptures and the Eucharist. I took instruction in the faith and was confirmed.
The homosexuality seemed to fade into the background. The acting out stopped. I experienced long stretches without masturbating. I entered a long honeymoon with the faith during which I was quite sure God was healing me of my homosexuality. However, I realize now that I was repressing my homosexuality and not facing it.
Then several crises came: I quit my job, a second career opportunity fizzled, I had no place to live, and a business venture with my brother failed, resulting in a falling out with him. Meanwhile, I entered a "dark night" when God seemed to abandon me.
That's when the temptations returned with a vengeance, and I gradually reentered the addiction going from frequent masturbation to watching soft porn on cable, buying porn, participating in phone sex, desiring to have sex again, finally acting out, and cruising on the Internet. I picked up where I'd left off and the addiction was worse than ever.
It's almost a miracle that my faith survived through that period of deep unhappiness. But I had enough faith in Christ to seek His help.
That's where Courage came in. I'd read about Courage in Fr. Benedict's book The Courage to be Chaste. So I began to go to meetings, and met others with the same "thorn in their flesh." I went to a Courage conference, went on a retreat, stepped up my prayer life, and made new "chaste" friends. I read books and articles about same-sex attraction. I also began to go to counseling.
As a result, I'm no longer "out of control." I'm facing my problem. I'm working on the 12-steps. I'm discovering the "stressors" that trigger the desire to act out -- anger, resentment, self pity, rejection, loneliness -- and I'm trying to address them as they arise. My prayer life is now deeper, more realistic, less ritualistic. I try to remind myself often just how much God loves me with all my faults and failings, and that he is always looking for me, like the father searching for his prodigal son.
Member Testimony: Chris
My story is how in a startling suddenness, my partner and I became members of Courage.
During Advent on the Feast of the Immaculate Conception, to be exact - I came across a leaflet in the Catholic bookshop concerning Devotions to Jesus King of All Nations. The promise of "powerful and unprecedented effects" was attached to a Novena of Holy Communions in honor of Jesus under that title. The very next day I went to Mass and began the Novena. It was during that time (nine consecutive communions but not necessarily nine calendar days in a row), that I began to have overwhelming doubts about my lifestyle. As a Catholic with same-sex attractions who had lived the past eight years with a non-Catholic man in a faithful, committed relationship, I had previously had doubts - so had he - about the sexual aspect of our relationship, but both of us always managed to shut out these nagging thoughts. About a week before Christmas I went to Reconciliation (which is a condition of the Novena) and timidly confessed, without being too specific, to "sexual sins". Once I'd done this I began hoping I'd "stay clean" for Christmas, which happened, and a very special Christmas Day Mass it was. From there on, my doubts multiplied. I began wanting to "stay clean" longer, and this then put me in a very difficult position with my friend, Matthew. How was I to tell him I'd started thinking differently about things?
On the sixth of January, I began a second Novena of Communions, this time for Matthew, and I asked the Lord to help me to solve this whole messy situation. Somehow, please, could He change Matthew's heart, get him to approach me and say, "I want us to give up sex!", not because I was afraid to broach the subject myself but because it was such a complex issue: I didn't want to be seen as enforcing my Catholic conscience upon him, nor did I want to put him off the Church he'd often shown interest in, by insisting the physical side of our love cease. After all, it was our devotion to each other - unrelenting against every obstacle over eight years - that had brought so much healing for him. He had suffered Multiple Personality through childhood abuse, and we had always felt this healing came from God through the love we shared.
After my second Holy Communion for this Novena - Sunday Mass, 10th January - I was to get the surprise of my life. Later that day Matthew told me he had something serious to discuss with me. "I want to become a Catholic," he announced, "I want to go for instruction and be baptized." I nearly fell over backwards, especially at the next piece of news: "I also want to receive Holy Communion, and that's the tricky bit. I'm sorry but we'll have to end our sex life. I couldn't possibly go to Communion and be sexually active. It had to come to this eventually anyway - my childhood has ruined that part of me - so how do you feel about chastity?"
Three days later I went to a full and proper Confession. Too late to catch the priest at the inner-city chapel I often attended, I decided to call off at the Cathedral on the way home. There I found a newsletter saying Confession could be arranged by appointment. Heart in mouth, I wandered over to the Presbytery, hoping I might bump into the priest I'd met here eighteen months ago who had really impressed me. He opened the door! He agreed to hear confession. Thankfully, he didn't sound judgmental when I spoke about my homosexuality but acknowledged mildly, "So you've sinned with another man." He was far more concerned about my reception of Holy Communion while in a state of sin. At that point, I felt no remorse (in a way, I still wasn't convinced my confessed sins were truly sins). I felt nothing and thought I should. I did begin despairing about the many sacrilegious communions until I discussed this again with the priest. From that day on I began to have a deep yearning to attend daily Mass (whenever I could) and with each succeeding Mass I was gradually regaining my spiritual eyes to see that homosexual sex was wrong; I wept from time to time before the Lord; I began to experience a profound and moving sense of union with Jesus at Communion time; I began to recall how wonderful it had once been to be so close to Him eight years ago, and realize I was now able to resume this spiritual intimacy with nothing on my conscience. It felt so amazingly good to be pure, to be chaste, "restored to innocence through the Sacrament of Penance."
Over the days and weeks that followed I half expected Matthew to change his mind and recant his wish for chastity. But he didn't. By the end of January he was suggesting we establish separate bedrooms, which we did. Over four months later, our chastity continues.
What has helped us tremendously in our ongoing efforts is Courage, which does not require its members to change their orientation but does encourage and support them in their walk with God to live chaste lives and develop their spiritual commitment to the Catholic Faith.
Unbeknown to me at the time, the priest I had approached for confession at the Cathedral was chaplain of the diocese's first chapter of Courage just starting to find its feet. Isn't God incredible? Father gently suggested I look at joining. Taking home the Courage Handbook to study, Matthew and I read it together and both agreed to start attending the following Wednesday.
Today Matthew also goes to private instruction with the same priest, preparing to become a Catholic, and I sit in on the sessions. Now firm in his conviction that "gay" sex acts are against God's will, he has found peace for the first time in 31 years and eagerly looks forward to baptism and first Holy Communion.
Member Testimony: Jim B
I’m Jim Beers.
Why am I here? Forty-four years ago, on the ninth of August, my long-time companion and I were united in what was called “A Rite of Holy Matrimony – one gender,” and then, during the late 1970s and thru the 1980s, I presided over a dozen same-sex ceremonies called “Holy Unions.” In 1988, my long time companion died, and I returned to the faith of my youth after not receiving the sacraments for more than twenty-three years.
How and why did this happen? I was brought up in a good Catholic home. I was educated by the Presentation Sisters in Tottenville, and later, by the Christian Brothers at St. Peter Boys’ High. I always excelled in religion. By high school graduation, I would say that I had swallowed the Baltimore Catechism at all levels. I had been an altar boy for many years. From fifth grade onward, I attended daily Mass as often as I could.
I didn’t realize that I was perceived by others as ‘different.’ I had no desire for dating the opposite sex. Actually, I had no desire for sex. I lived a sheltered life.
Most of my friends were thinking about and pursuing the priesthood. I wasn’t the greatest student. I wasn’t as smart as they were. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I had very poor self-esteem.
During the years after high school, I experienced a series of failures. I attempted college. I went to St. Peter’s College in Jersey City. On the advice of other people, I took accounting. It was not my cup of tea. I was not into it. I failed and dropped out after the first semester. Following this, I entered religious life -- a nursing order. I have often wondered how I made such a decision. It was obvious that I probably had a religious vocation, but not with them. One brother told me to pursue the religious life as a brother, stating, “Whatever you do, do not apply to a teaching order.”
In 1960, I experienced a turning point in my life. My spiritual director advised me to socialize, to join singles groups and such. I went to a resort for a weekend. This was a pivotal event in my life. I was forced into a relationship. Even though it was a bad experience, it attracted me to a same-sex lifestyle. I sought this life not because I wanted sex, although sex was definitely a part of it. In my loneliness, I felt comfortable leading this life. I wanted security, and this lifestyle seemed to provide that.
For five years I sought love and sex in all the wrong places. Movie theatres and sleazy bars were some of those places. In 1965, I finally graduated from college and met someone who introduced me to so called ‘safe’ Gay Bars on the East Side of Manhattan. Although I didn’t see it this way at the time, I was not intrinsically happy, only pursuing the dream of happiness.
In 1967 I met a man twice my age. We were together for twenty-one years. It was not a perfect relationship. Perfect relationships do not exist. I would say that it was a happy twenty-one years, though. Leo was very supportive of me while I pursued my teaching career. Looking back, I realize he might have been controlling, but I would say it was for my good.
For the first ten years, we were very active in the Gay community. This led to our involvement in the so-called Gay Churches. At one of them we witnessed a “Holy Union,” and we both thought this a good idea. We had been together for over four years and were ready to take the plunge. We learned that a minister friend was officiating these unions. We were very involved in church activities, so we thought a “Holy Union” was the best way to solidify our relationship.
Our church involvement led to my admission into New York Theological Seminary to pursue and eventually obtain a Master’s Degree in Professional Studies in Ministry. A three-year night course, it led to my becoming a minister in the Universal Fellowship of Metropolitan Community Churches. We eventually relocated to Asbury Park with the goal of saving the Gay and Lesbian community there. For over a decade we worked hard in this “saving” ministry, yet never achieved the results we expected.
There were always couples looking for a minister to ‘marry’ them. Anxious to ascertain their reasoning, I made sure that I had two or three sessions with them in preparation. It seemed they had the same reasons that Leo and I had had. They wanted something to declare their relationship in a concrete way. They wanted security. They wanted some sign that their relationship was genuine and formally united, just like their heterosexual relatives and friends. They wanted to be part of society.
Then on May 31, 1988, Leo passed away. My life as I knew it came to a definite end. I was at a crossroads. I was alone. Unlike the Robert Frost poem, “The Road Not Taken,” I was given the opportunity to take two roads. The first seemed easy, but it turned into a dead end. The second was more difficult, but eternally promising.
My conversion story began as I was driving home from the hospital after Leo died. I was waiting at a very long traffic light. I heard God telling me in a whispering hope: “James, you can do anything now. You are free.”
My immediate response to this was my return to the Church and the sacraments; however, it was the only the beginning of a long journey which is never ending. I began to contemplate what purpose G0D had for me.
About two years after my conversion, realizing I couldn’t continue this journey alone, I was led to our Courage Apostolate. I discovered that the goals of Courage lead to the ultimate goal of eternal life. I call to mind the last sentence in the long version of the Serenity Prayer we recite at the beginning of each meeting: “Be reasonably happy in this life, and supremely happy in the next.”
Through the love and direction of Father Harvey, I realized I must obey the teachings of the Church and that the Magisterium of the Church has been given to us in the Twenty-First Century as a gift from Christ and the Apostles. All of us are called to chastity—married and unmarried. Chastity means saying ‘yes’ to God in one’s heart and mind to pursue choices, thoughts, and actions oriented toward a holy and virtuous expression of sexuality. It is about one’s state of mind and heart.
In the second goal, the belief in Church teachings is fortified by a genuine prayer life. In the third goal, by going to meetings and sharing our experiences with others, our Courage commitment is strengthened further. Goal four stresses that there is life after a meeting. We learn to develop and nurture chaste friendships and to have wholesome fun with our Courage friends. In goal five, Courage members, by living lives that are good examples to others, show same-sex attracted people who may not agree with our choice of chastity that living a chaste life is actually the most joyful decision one can make. It definitely was for me.
Member Testimony: Louis
"Since you have purified yourselves by obedience to the truth for sincere mutual love, love one another intensely from a pure heart"
1 Peter 1:22
It's been five years now since I accepted Courage into my life. This reflection is a discussion of my interactions with other men that have helped reconcile me with masculinity, with who I am. Growing up, I felt ambivalent about masculinity. It often seemed reckless, self-seeking, or insensitive. What masculine traits I did see as good, like strength and bravery, seemed unattainable to me, and so I felt inadequate. I also had different interests from most male peers. I felt I couldn't belong or connect well with them, and so I became detached from them.
In the last few years, however, God has reaffirmed for me the goodness of masculinity. My resentments have cleared enough for me to see that true masculinity is a man's form of love. It is vital for the wellbeing of humankind. My hope is that, as I connect with other men (above all, with Jesus), the man who I'm called to be will be drawn out.
I believe that, in a mysterious way, masculinity is the promise of my very nature as a male. It integrates my mind, heart, and body. As a human, though, I have a fallen nature, so I need God's grace to be a man. Other men, and most importantly, Jesus, can help draw that nature out from within me. In whatever way God intends masculinity to be manifest in my personality, I trust his plan. After all, masculine traits, like self-sacrifice, loyalty, duty, discipline, strength, courage, and brotherhood, can be integrated into any man's personality. I hope that, by God's grace, I grow in these virtues.
Becoming a man means becoming like Jesus, the perfect man. As "A Man's Prayer for Courage" goes, "Lord Jesus, thank you for making me a man. I am willing to grow in my own masculinity, so please show me how to take the next step in this journey. Give me the courage I need to relate truthfully to other men. With your help, I am willing to face my fears. Amen."
The Courage apostolate helps one accept the gift of chastity and thus respond to same-sex attractions in loving, rather than harmful, ways. Although each individual's circumstances differ, the Church's teachings give us all the necessary knowledge to pursue communion with God and one another in the most truly loving way, which is also the most personally satisfying way. Chastity is not about saying "no" to love. It's about giving and receiving the fullness of love and protecting each other from anything less than love. It's about becoming who we are, men and women made in the image of God, who is Love.
Summer Camp: A few summers ago, I helped take some grade school kids to a summer camp, which included tubing on a lake. One boy was afraid and asked me to go on the tube with him. His courage inspired me, since I've often been afraid of such things. I felt the big brother in me being drawn out. Another fond memory is from the dining hall. The boy seated next to me would blurt out, "Man, you farted!" I hardly joked like that when I was little, but it wasn't too late to take myself more lightly and respond back, "No, you farted!" He showed me the value of lightheartedness. [For another camp story, see endnote #1.] Once I went jogging with another male counselor. He jogged with his shirt off, so I did, too. I think it helped dispel my body shame. His brotherly acceptance of my body somehow felt like the acceptance of my whole being.
The Five-Month Miracle: That summer I also came to terms with the teaching that when one falls from the state of grace (by freely choosing to commit what one knows is a grave sin), one should confess the sin before receiving Holy Communion. Since I was habitually committing a grave sin, this teaching was hard to swallow at first-but, as I learned, it leads to freedom. In frequently encountering Jesus in the sacrament of Reconciliation, I glimpsed the endless mercy and inexhaustible compassion of God.
One time, after confessing my sins and mentioning to the priest my anxiety over my same-sex attractions, I started crying and continued through the act of contrition and absolution. I went out and sat down in a pew, leaned forward with my face in my hands, and kept crying. I felt desperate. After that confession, I didn't commit this sin for five months. When I'd feel inadequate and alone, instead of turning to sin, I would wait, accept the pain, and pray. I'd sense Jesus' constant companionship and the intimacy of union with Him. The sin had numbed me-keeping me from turning to Jesus! God taught me to rely on Him, not on sin or my own limited means of dealing with life. Through the sacrament of Reconciliation, God will always be willing to convert our divided hearts back to his love, the source of all happiness. His love is what makes our hearts choose Him over sin.
Basketball: That fall I took a basketball class. One day after class, a handsome, athletic classmate to whom I was attracted was walking across the gym. To face my sense of inferiority to him, I walked up beside him, unsure of what I would say or do. I don't recall our conversation, but when we parted, he gave me a pat on the back. The brotherly love I felt in that moment brought tears to my eyes. My heart suddenly felt warmer and bigger, as my detachment from other males was starting to melt away. It felt clear that what I really wanted from him wasn't merely his body or his confidence-it was his acceptance. I learned that to be accepted, I had to put myself out there with other men and take risks. [For the tournament results, see #2.]
Priests: I'd once contacted a priest about my same-sex attraction, concerned about its implications on my life path. The next time he was in town, he met me at a restaurant; he wanted to listen to me and understand my struggle. The following day he sent me a text: "Good to be with you last evening! Thanks for your honesty and for trusting . . . . Many blessings in Holy Week, my brother!" Getting to know this priest was a turning point for me. In him, I saw that masculinity is good. He barely knew me at the time, yet he wanted the best for me and was willing to help me get there. I wanted to be like him; I wanted to be a man. During the spring of senior year, he helped me get a job, invited me to move into a Catholic men's community he was helping to establish, and took me on a mission trip with a group of other young adults. God has used the tender care and generosity of not only this priest but also several others as well, to show me what being a man means, to reconcile me with masculinity.
Ballroom dance: This class unexpectedly exposed resentments I held against women. I felt overburdened by their emotional needs, perhaps since I felt needy myself. As I grew more comfortable with masculinity, however, I felt more delighted by femininity. God has placed many women in my life, including classmates, professors, co-workers, nuns, and Courage members, who have helped me reconcile with femininity and grow in admiration for women's awesome dignity, which is equal to men's and yet mysteriously unique. These women have helped me believe in masculinity. They genuinely love men, seeing us not as oppressors but as their beloved human counterparts and friends. They trust in God's power to redeem us all from sin, and they count on men to make our particular contributions to society.
Brotherly affection: On a spring break trip to the inner city, I played in a basketball game, and a teammate punched me in the chest as a type of celebratory affection. I felt respected and built up as a fellow man. One time at college, I was sitting on the floor with a friend with whom I'd shared my struggles, and he asked if I'd ever been attracted to girls. I realized I had been, and as I described one such person to him, we realized she was his older sister. He lunged at me and about punched me in the face, as a joke. I felt affirmed by his roughhousing: he treated me like a male peer, which I am! We'd occasionally go jogging together, and sometimes he would call me "Dawg." Once I called him "Dawg," and it felt good. I realized that, for my sake and theirs, I needed to give other men affection, not only receive it.
The cafeteria worker: At the dining hall there was a jovial, boisterous student worker to whom I was attracted. One day he struck up a conversation with me, and I felt accepted and valued by him. Another day, however, I saw him on the lawn throwing a football with a friend, and I felt sadness and shame. I thought, "I'm not really worthy of his acceptance; as soon as I try to throw a football with him, he'll reject me." Sports insecurities are an obstacle for me in bonding with other men. I hope to play sports more, because, regardless of how well I eventually play or how much I enjoy playing, they help put me in touch with who I am. They teach me self-respect, to see myself as a peer to other men.
Courage: The chapter I joined now has over fifteen members, men and women from 20 to 70 years old. Each meeting includes reading the Five Goals of Courage (see #3) and the Serenity Prayer (see #4). The Christ-centered fellowship of Courage has been one of my life's greatest joys. I've attended two Courage conferences, where, through fellowship with members, family and friends of people with same-sex attraction, and supportive clergy and religious, I glimpsed the intensely joyful, loving communion that God is accomplishing through the Church and the Courage Apostolate. During college I enjoyed a friendship with a fellow Courage member on campus whose burning faith and sense of humor really picked me up. He loved being Catholic and radiated God's love, including to his friends who identified themselves as "gay." He accepted and respected them, and by living out a joyful example of Christian discipleship, he invited them to a truer, more complete identity.
Mission trip: One man on this trip loved to call out my name in the local language. Whenever I saw his smile and the sincere brotherly affection in his eyes, I felt so loved-and by a male peer who barely knew me! There was nothing I did to deserve it. He showed me how God sees each of us, with love, amazement, pride, and expectation. The last day of the trip, we were crammed into the back of a pick-up truck, and I was partly hanging off the edge. He instinctively laid his upper arm over my chest to keep me from bouncing out. I felt valued and protected by him. God keeps reminding me, "True masculinity is good."
Work: At my job, I was around male clients much of the day. They were respectful, patient, hard-working, and generous to others. I particularly admired my officemate, who loved being a daddy to his two little kids. He'd greet me each day by saying, "How's my buddy?" His daily acceptance and affection were graces planted by God right in my little office!
The men's house: More than before, I felt male peers knew me and I knew them. Praying together especially helped me connect with the other guys in this community. At times, I'd feel insecure and become disengaged, especially when they'd joke around, compete, or roughhouse, but overall I felt at ease. One of the guys taught me to throw a football and played me one-on-one in basketball. Recently we had a reunion. At one point, when we were playing a variation of soccer in a drained swimming pool on the roof of a high-rise apartment building at 2 a.m., a feeling of sameness struck me. I felt that I was essentially the same as them, and that I belonged. It seemed to be the antidote to my whole problem. Sports are a great means of accomplishing this, and roughhousing and joking around might be, too. I'm often uncomfortable with these things, partly because I fear rejection. God, though, wants me to trust in Him, take courage, and have life in abundance. He wants my joy to be not partial but complete.
Sports Camp: This weekend encourages men with same-sex attraction to face commonly held sports fears and resentments. I left the experience feeling joyful and assertive. When members of our chapter met us back in our home city, I uninhibitedly started jabbering and dancing around. I was so happy! [To read more about Sports Camp XII, see the reflection on the Sports Camp Page.]
Through experiences such as these, God has helped reconcile me with masculinity and other men. He's shown me that I don't have to remain in isolation from male peers. Experiencing a sense of sameness as male peers has been a very satisfying development in my life.
Often it's difficult for me to accept another man's goodness and handsomeness without wanting to possess him. Perhaps this is because I'm out of touch with my own nature, my own masculinity: thus, when I see masculinity in another man, I'm drawn to it and want to possess it as my own. Chastity reminds me that I have no right to use another man, regardless of my inadequacies or needs. While I must accept the feeling of attraction, I must refrain from any selfish act.
For me, same-sex lust has been a futile attempt to be who I am (my own man) by trying to possess another man. But instead of becoming whole, I'd simply be left as I was, and I would have abused the other man. In reality, I don't need to possess another man. Rather, by fixating on and uniting with Jesus and growing in friendship and virtue with other men, I can let God give me my own man, that is, myself (see #5). God wants each of us to confidently be the gifts-the men and women-He made us to be. He wants us to give ourselves away. Love is self-giving, not other-taking. We find our fulfillment in becoming like Christ, who gave us His all.
I believe the Church's teachings on same-sex attractions (see #6) are the most compassionate teachings there are. They contain the fullness of truth and thus make way for the fullness of love. The Church wants my sadness and shame to be overcome, not merely numbed. She wants me to enjoy the true acceptance, affirmation, and chaste affection of other men. She wants us all to share in God's glory in Heaven. Ultimately, She wants us to be happy. As the catechism states, Heaven is "the state of supreme, definitive happiness" (CCC#1024), "the ever-flowing well-spring of…mutual communion" (CCC #1045), "the ultimate end and fulfillment of the deepest human longings" (CCC #1024).
ENDNOTES
1.) At the campfire, the camp staff involved me in one of their skits. A counselor pretended to have a crush on me, and her friends asked me if, since she was shy, I'd just say "yes" to whatever she asked of me. She asked me, "Can I show you something with my hands?" I said, "yes," and she took my hands and started holding them romantically. The kids expected something was coming and smirked with excitement. Then she asked, "Can I show you something with my feet?" I looked toward the kids to see if they thought it would be okay and replied, "yes." She then tiptoed her feet up against mine to get closer. The kids squealed. Then she said, "Can I show you something with my lips?" I looked again at the kids, showing I was getting nervous about it all, and then gulped and reluctantly said, "yes," one last time. She leaned toward me and puckered up her lips, and then, as our lips were about to touch, she suddenly brought her finger up and started strumming her lips, making that "blblbl" sound! The kids all burst out laughing. That experience made me see myself differently. I didn't disqualify myself as quickly from possibly loving a woman romantically some day. Though it was just a silly skit, it did intrigue me and open my mind and heart to whatever possibilities may lie ahead.
2.) My team was defeated 25-14 in the first round. I scored 4 points, though, to the surprise and delight of both teams and the instructor!
3.) The Five Goals of Courage:
a. Chastity: live chaste lives in accordance with the Roman Catholic Church's teaching on homosexuality.
b. Prayer and Dedication: dedicate one's life to Christ through service to others, spiritual reading, prayer, meditation, individual spiritual direction, frequent attendance at Mass, and the frequent reception of the sacraments of Reconciliation and Holy Eucharist.
c. Fellowship: foster a spirit of fellowship in which all may share thoughts and experiences, and so ensure that no one will have to face the problems of homosexuality alone.
d. Support: be mindful of the truth that chaste friendships are not only possible but necessary in a chaste Christian life and in doing so provide encouragement to one another in forming and sustaining them.
e. Good Example: live lives that may serve as good examples to others.
4.) "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time, accepting hardships as the pathway to peace, taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it, trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will, that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him forever in the next. Amen" (Reinhold Niebuhr).
5.) As Leanne Payne writes in Broken Image, a man with same-sex attractions is attracted to a part of himself he isn't in touch with but perceives in another man [for me, this could be assertiveness, confidence, a vivacious spirit, handsomeness, strength, or a sense of masculine identity]. The attraction is painful, because the man with same-sex attraction knows he is disconnected from something and fears he can never reconnect. However, with the help of the Holy Spirit, he can form an image of his real self, and he can choose to fixate his desires on becoming that man, rather than on merging with another man. Fixating on other men is futile, for it is truly impossible to achieve union with them. The only way for a man's same-sex attraction to be satisfied is to pursue union with his true self. In that union he will no longer be attracted to other men in the same way, since that part of himself is no longer fragmented off and projected onto other men. [Ultimately, I must fixate not merely on my image of my real self but on Jesus, for my real self comes from Him. We are made in God's image and are destined to become like Him. In the Holy Eucharist, we commune with Jesus in a special way and are gradually transformed into Him.]
6.) CCC #2359: "Homosexual persons are called to chastity. By the virtues of self-mastery that teach them inner freedom, at times by the support of disinterested friendship, by prayer and sacramental grace, they can and should gradually and resolutely approach Christian perfection." [In other words, the Church calls such persons to become saints! The struggle itself can be a path to holiness. For the complete teaching, see CCC #2357-2359.]
Member Testimony: Allen
"My name is Allen and ___________"
I am a Catholic. When asked if I am a Catholic, I answer "VERY!"
To borrow a term used by the elder brethren, I am an observant Catholic.
Courage is a Catholic Apostolate to and for persons who suffer from attraction to a person of the same gender. My name is Allen and I am a Catholic who suffers from attraction to persons of the same gender.
When Courage was formed in 1980 the early members prayed and decided to adapt the 12 steps of A A to the Problem of dealing with attraction to the same gender. Coincidently I also apply the 12 steps to my life. I am VERY Catholic and I am VERY anonymous. I have found that whatever "little old problem" to which I apply the 12 steps in fellowship with others also choosing to "work the program in fellowship" becomes gradually less of a problem.
I begin each month with a Novena to the Holy Ghost. In the Prayer For the Seven Gifts Of The Holy Spirit are the words:
"O Lord Jesus Christ Who,
Before ascending into heaven
Promised to send the Holy Spirit
To finish your work
In the souls of Your Apostles and Disciples,
Grant the same Holy Spirit to me,
That He may perfect in my soul
The work of Your grace and Your love.
Grant me:….
The Spirit of Counsel
That I may bear my cross with You
And that I may overcome with courage
All the obstacles
That oppose my salvation…."
That is what I have prayed for and continue to pray for. And that is what I have received-the gift of courage and eventually the gift of Courage.
As of this writing I have reached the age of 68. I was born on May 18, 1944. On that date in history May 18, 1944 marks the day when the Nazi army was driven out of Monte Cassino in Italy by the Polish II Corps of the allied forces. I am part of the Pius XII generation. Confessed and Communicated at the age of 7 and Confirmed at the age of 9, whilst knelling at a Communion rail. I am a genuine bead-rattling, mackerel-snapping, Baltimore catechized, Bible-reading, pew-sitting Papist Pilgrim. As a Catholic I have in my life been blessed by receiving graces from the Seven Sacraments ("outward signs instituted by Christ to give grace"). Many years ago, when I was trying to put Humpty Dumpty together again, I decided to "let God guide me to what I need and when". Shortly thereafter I noticed a sign outside a church which read "The Spirit knows the journey and forever leads the way". And He does so lead me. Eventually I was led to Courage, "a singular flounder" washed up on your shore. Further graces and healing has been given to me in and through Courage.
We begin each meeting with the Sign of the Cross. We are a fellowship of men and women who are committed Catholics-committed to the teachings of Holy Mother Church, committed to our own healing and committed to be there to help others who may suffer from an attraction to a person or persons of the same gender.
It has long been my experience that I do not recover alone. In Scripture one reads "Woe to the man who travels alone, for if he should fall, who will help him up?" In 1995 I was blessed to go on pilgrimage to Rome with the choir of my then parish. In the Sistine Chapel I stood looking at the truly God inspired painting of the Last Judgment by Michelangelo. As I studied the painting I became aware of the truth that "no one gets to Heaven alone, no one recovers alone". Those going up are aware of and helping others-one person is leaning over, reaching out to help steady another, who is slipping off, just hanging onto the Rosary that someone else is holding out to help another. On the other side those going or being drawn down are so self-absorbed that they seem oblivious to their own situation or that of others.
It has also long been my awareness that "if God has allowed a wounding, God allows for the healing". (And God does allow the wounding) "If God has allowed the wounding, God allows for the healing-but not only allows for the healing, but is lovingly moving through the events of the day to bring about the healing!"
I first heard of Courage in 2006. I was getting ready for work, turned on the TV to check the weather, when what to my wondering eyes should appear but the last 10 minutes of a rebroadcast of a May 16, 1990 interview of Mother Angelica on EWTN talking to Father John Harvey. I sent for a copy of the program, contacted www.couragerc,net , sent in an inquiry, joined Courage on Line (COL), later joined CRO, a reparation prayer group, was blessed to be able to attend the Courage Conference in 2011, later drove to another Diocese to attend my first meeting, was blessed in 2012 to attend the Courage Retreat in January, and the Conference this past July. I met a fellow member at the Retreat, by April, with our Chaplain, we restarted a meeting in our Archdiocese, in July someone else joined us, and in September another, so that now we are four.
The book Alcoholics Anonymous, generally referred to as "the Big Book" was written and published in 1939. Some early members tried to describe their recovery from what was considered the hopeless condition of alcoholism in an attempt to carry their message of recovery to those who still suffer, their stories before and after, the release of several of them of the obsession and compulsion of alcoholism and of a daily reprieve. I have read, studied and applied the "suggested" 12 steps and the principles of the "program" and of the fellowship. Now when it comes to AA I am one of those on the outside looking in. I personally have not had to deal with alcohol, drugs, gambling or smoking. ("What else is there?" someone once asked me.) There have been over 400 groups dealing with all kinds of "issues" which have written to AA asking permission to adapt the 12 steps to their particular "problem". Courage is one such group. Some groups have adapted the 12 steps more efficaciously than others. Courage is one group which has done so very effectively. Recently someone posted on COL a link to a song which includes the words "heal the wound, but leave the scar" ("just to show how merciful you are"). For a long time in recovery I would sometime say "Deep the wound, long the healing". When I heard the song being sung I came to the realization that I, at long last, no longer experience a slow healing wound, but a scar for which to be grateful. I sometime tell persons about my healing and say "I walk around like Lazarus!"-raised from the dead-blessed, grateful, and wondering "what do I do now?" Lately I have been going for days without same-sex attraction bothering me. Occasionally the problem seems to come roaring back. If and when I slip, I get up and head for Confession. One of the parishes I live near has Confession available one-half hour before every Mass. For me a Sacrament is an encounter with Christ. I was touched recently when, after listening to my confession, the priest said, "Oh, do not be alone-we are here for you!"
And that thought I would like to leave with you-whomsoever you are. One does not have to roam about in outer darkness alone. "We are here for you"-whether in Courage on Line, at a Courage Retreat, at the Courage Sports Camp, at the Courage Conference, and, perhaps, at a Courage meeting. Know that you are in our thoughts and prayers.
I will close with a prayer written in letters by Saint Thomas More, a fellow member of the Mystical Body of Christ, who also lived in dark times: "Pray for me, as I will for thee, that we may merrily meet in Heaven".
I might add, that, God willing, we may meet each other in Courage.
Thank you,
Allen
(I do not recover alone)
Conference Testimonies
At the Annual Conference, Courage members are invited to share a few words about their journeys. Here's what some have shared with us.
John: As I looked across the last several years of my life, I kept getting the image of me being wrapped in chains. My suffering was silent. How could people understand that I had something inside of me that I hated? I despised being sexually attracted to men, especially my own peers. In reality, I was searching for masculinity, not sex. The chains of homosexuality kept me miserable. I wanted to be listened to, to be hugged, to be understood. I wanted to be the man God had made me to be.
Five years ago, I felt so alone. I felt no one would listen to my heart crying, that no one would really care. I desired to take my own life. In my search for peace, through the help of a close friend, I went to Mass for the first time in my life and felt God's love envelop me. He guided me to Rome, where the Church's teachings on homosexuality gave me great comfort. God, through His Church, cared to love me, to hold me and to listen to me.
By way of complicated events, I discovered Courage. Finally, I had arrived at a place where others could relate to me, a place where I could foster chaste friendships with other men who truly cared. We were not afraid to proclaim the truth of Christ, that, in His loving plan for us, we could live a life of holiness and walk down the path, carrying the cross after the One who dies for us. This became a life of chaste holiness - to be the saints that God has called us to be. This is almost impossible without Courage. As we struggle together, the Holy Spirit breaks the chains of homosexuality to free us to be who God calls us to be. Only then are we truly free.
Judy: I came to Courage during a time in my life when I was struggling in a relationship with another woman. I thought I was alone with this problem I struggled with jealousy, manipulation, anger, and possessiveness. My anxiety level was so bad, I became physically ill. I knew I needed help. Thank God for Courage. I have come to understand myself through the words and struggles that others have given witness to. I now know that I am not alone. The priests have been gentle and understanding. Going to meetings gives me the opportunity to talk about my problems and vent my anger. Courage has given me peace and direction. I have goals and direction in my life, and that has lessened my anxiety. God has given me opportunities to live a happy and healthy life. Thank you God!
Tom: I begin, not at the beginning, but at the first metanoia, Advent 1964 I had promised to abstain from all sinful sexual behavior and to make daily visits to the Blessed Sacrament. It was Christmas Eve when I fell, and the day after Christmas when I was on the steps of the Church, ready to make my daily visit, it hit me: " Be either hot or cold for the lukewarm I will vomit out of my mouth." I had prevailed for 39 days. I couldn't prevail for just one more time. I thought, "I am a failure, too weak to last just one more day - I'm tired of failure time after time - I refuse to continue being a hypocrite." I turned and walked away from God and the Church. I gave my life to Satan, to do whatever he wanted with it - and he did! Eleven years later, I allowed God back into my life, along with a renewed strength and a grace to rise above my compulsions like I had never known before. A year after that I joined Courage. I found there an opportunity to share my pain and shame. I knew I was not alone - there were others who felt like me. I stopped going to meetings for a year or two and it was during this time I began to get into trouble. I realized I needed the support and prayers of like-minded people to walk with me on my journey. My return to Courage has helped stabilize my life and has enabled me to make the changes I need to make so I can continue on my journey to sanctification. How Courage has done this is a mystery to me, but a mystery I welcome and want to share. The pain in others has helped me to see the pain in myself, and the victory I see in others encourages me in quest of my own.
Alan: Being here at this Courage Conference has given me hope, having seen many others who want to follow the teaching of the Church on homosexuality. It is my firm hope and prayer that Courage chapters spread all over the Church to give all people who struggle with homosexual feelings and their family and friends the choice to grow closer to the Son of God and His Church.
Mary: We received the devastating news that our daughter struggles with homosexual feelings, but through the grace of God, we were led to Encourage. We were given loving support, understanding of the problem, and guidance according to the teaching of the Catholic Church. Where else could we have turned? How else could we have coped? Before making the Encourage connection, we had contacted the Mental Health Association. We were encouraged to join PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays). We pray for all Catholic families who have had the misfortune to be misguided by this organization which encourages parents to accept their son/daughter's homosexual activity as okay. What good is it for us to give to the poor, pray for our political leaders, and other global intentions, if we as Catholics do not support our own faithful who are crying in desperation for healing? The Lord says "Come to me all you who are burdened and I will refresh you." Does not the Holy Spirit move through us? My eternal gratitude to all who are ministering to the members of Courage / Encourage.
George: When our son told us that he struggles with homosexual feelings, we were devastated, especially since we and the children had a Catholic upbringing. Our feelings of shame, guilt and anger were almost too much for us to bear and began to cause a great strain not only in our married life, but also in our relations with our other two children. By the grace of God, we saw an ad for Courage in the Brooklyn Tablet and eventually were led to an Encourage group. Although we are relatively new in Encourage, attendance at meetings has helped us to better accept our son's condition, helped our marriage, and brought our family closer together, but most importantly, we are coming closer to the Lord.
John: I'm a member of Courage because I'm a Catholic who struggles with homosexual feelings and who wants to love God, knowing full well that I'm called to a life of chastity. At Courage we know why we belong and are ever-mindful of what we are striving for. I can't help thinking of the dialogue between our Lord and Abraham on the conditions of Sodom and Gomorrah, that if he finds at least ten just people, He would spare them all. You know, some groups and fellowships come and go, but any organization based on the truth will be around for a long, long time.
Fr. Ralph: As a priest, I have been struggling with a homosexual condition alone for years. Through God's grace, I have been able to remain celibate but came close to despair at different times. I became an alcoholic and, after praying for help, God led me to Alcoholics Anonymous and to Courage For me it is a miracle and a new life in Christ beyond all expectation. Healing goes on day by day. The blessings in my work and the joy in recognizing the Lord in my life are unbelievable. This is not a fleeting experience but a constant love I don't deserve yet am deeply grateful for everyday. Courage gives me the support I need to be chaste, and to love as God would have me. It is still a struggle, but one I look forward to. I wish I had heard with my heart years ago what I have heard this past year in Courage. I am sure my life would have been a lot different, but it just wasn't around then. The so-called "gay affirmation" is a travesty of love and a lie. The Church's teachings have been a true liberation for me and can be for many others when suffering so much in seeking the desire of the Heart of Jesus Christ. May He be praised, adored, and loved!
Sergio: Courage is like the best friend I never had. Every week when I walk through its doors, I am met by men and women who accept me as a member of a very special family. They do not judge the life that I have lead, but they challenge me to live the life that I want to lead. They support me every step of the way and, when I fall, they are there to lift me to my feet and help me to move forward. Every year at the annual conference, I feel that I am attending a huge family reunion. I meet again with those members that I did not know, but whom I come to love before the weekend ends. The Conference is the spiritual highlight of my year, and its spirit fills my life with joy and love for every day in the coming year, until I meet my special family again. God bless each and every member of this wonderful family and the priests who shepherd us.
Bob: I thank God every day for groups such as Courage (and the Protestant Exodus ministries). For years I tried to come to terms with my homosexual temptations - everything from denial, which triggered bouts of addictive behavior with uneasy calm, to a limited embrace of the so-called gay lifestyle, which led to a downward spiral of immoral behavior, emotional dependency, and increasing depression. Had it not been for the intervention of the Holy Spirit one blessed Christmas Eve, I would ultimately have lost not only my temporal life, but my eternal life with God as well. Although I would have preferred another loss, my struggle has led me to a total surrender to Christ. Courage allows me to be supported by, and to provide support for others who wish to take the same narrow path which leads to our eternal reward in heaven. Through these ministries, I am becoming the whole man my Creator intended me to be.
Paul: My family is Catholic and I was raised in a house with regular Catholic practices. We went to mass on Sunday, attended CCD and said grace before meals. Otherwise, we were not an overly pious family. Even as I became aware of my homosexual struggle, I knew that I could not reconcile an active homosexual lifestyle with the moral teachings of the Catholic Church. This knowledge did not stop me, however, from going to bars and engaging in sexual acts, first in college and then through adulthood. As I struggled to grow in faith and live in Jesus Christ, I began to see the emptiness of the gay lifestyle. I sought to serve God and His Church as a priest but got nowhere. I had heard of Courage, but never felt that I needed it. I was working with a spiritual director, was praying and attending Mass daily. I didn't need a support group. But I was feeling frustrated in my interest in the priesthood and was still engaging in sexual acts- some with a partner, or through the use of pornography and masturbation. One day a friend who also struggles said, "You know, this is really affecting your life. Why don't you come to Courage?" From my first meeting I have been blessed with the support of genuine love and friendship from the men that I have come to know. I know that I am not alone in my efforts to be chaste. And, in the love and forgiveness of my brothers and sisters in Courage, I am reminded of the love and forgiveness Christ offers me. Courage helps me to live up to the challenge of the Gospel to die to my old self and become a new man in Christ. Some in the Church and in the world would have me believe that I do not have to do that. Scripture tells me that I must!
Randy: Although it is more accepted, even by some confessors, to participate in homosexual activities, I could never accept this behavior as being healthy for a Christian. I do not hate myself, but I do hate my possessive homosexual behavior. I found Courage to be a support group that meets my needs. I feel my sex life is a small part of my being, and I don't want to be pigeon-holed as if it is a large part of my being. I am pleased to meet like-minded friends who are also struggling and who offer particular insights for coping.Courage offers a secure, anonymous and traditional forum to learn and discuss our behavior. I've been exposed to some great Christians who have inspired me. No group is perfect, but Courage is the best support group out there for practicing Catholics.
Justin: My association with the Courage movement began in November, 1992. In June, 1989, the Lord delivered me from a life of sexual madness in which I had reduced young men to "commodities", bought off the streets of my hometown; of I.V. drug abuse which caused me to lose everything I had and to live in a van in another city; of eating out of dumpsters because there was no other food; of associations with extremely dangerous people - professional junkies who were motivated to do whatever they had to do to get what they wanted. I had not heard of Courage before the Lord led me to an ad in the newspaper. The years between 1989 and 1992 were filled with growing in my conversion to the Lord, and learning how to love Him. By the fall of 1992, I began to weaken and I started to "cruise" the streets again. I knew where this was going to lead me and I prayed to God to help me. He led me to Courage. I found support that I had never known before. Suddenly I became accountable for my actions - what I did mattered to somebody. I began to grow and mature spiritually too. I realized that I could not succeed on my own and that I was not meant to do this on my own. I became support for others too. Courage removed much of the chaos from my life and allowed God to come in.
Fr. Tony: This seminar is my introduction to Courage. Nurturing the wholistic / holistic healing process initiated at the Guest House which is making of me a happy celibate priest, this Courage seminar is drawing me closer to Jesus Christ and energizing my celibacy.
Patrick: A lot of factors went into my conversion. There were 25 years of compulsive masturbation, obsession with pornography since the age of 11, episodes of incest, and acting out with a cousin about a year older at the age of 12. Eventually there was cruising, anonymous sex, the gay bar scene, alcoholism, wrecked cars, and arrest for DWI. Yet, if someone asked me, I would say everything was fine! I was miserable - thank God! And I was looking for help - in the sacraments, in prayer. Still I despaired. In May of 1990 at the age of 37, I read an article about Courage in a Catholic weekly. The first goal: to live my life in accordance with the teaching of the Roman Catholic Church on homosexuality, described what I always longed for and despaired of being able to do. I wrote Fr. Harvey at Courage in NYC, asking for information which I devoured upon arrival. I went to my first conference in August of 1990 and was impressed with the 100 plus men and women who witnessed to me so eloquently with their warmth and the good examples of their lives. The yearly Courage conference and continued contact by phone sustained me in my daily struggle to live a chaste life. So many things changed. What changed the most was prayer. For the first time in my life I could pray. I could talk to God - I could listen I could be more honest in confession. I started to become a happier person. My destructive behavior lessened. And when I do fall, I get up quickly - I don't despair! I have become more geared to God's will in my life. And this is just the beginning!
Frank: I came into Courage in September, 1993, and have stayed since. The Courage group gives me support and hope and a place to share my feelings whether they are right or wrong. My brothers in the group also accept me for who I am. So, for anybody that is new, I work Courage one day at a time, like I do in A.A. Courage is a very spiritual group and is very loving because we have Jesus in our lives and we have the five goals to live by. Jesus is not asking me to be perfect, but to convert to a new way of life.
Tom: Fr. Harvey and Courage, through the Holy Spirit, saved my life. After more than 20 years of compulsive, addictive homosexual activity in every form, I learned that there was hope; that one day at a time, I could move away from a life that I hated and was destroying me. Through Courage meetings, the fellowship of the group, chaste friendships, daily prayer, mass, surrender, therapy, and spiritual direction, my life has changed. God has blessed me with peace and serenity in my life for the first time. I'm not perfect, but better, and I am grateful to God, Fr. Harvey and all those who work for and with Courage.
Bill: After my father's death fifteen years ago, I tried to reenter the gay-bar scene. It was a disaster. the more I tried to reenter the gay scene, the more miserable I became. I found myself in the bars, drunk, and at the same time saying to myself, "What the hell am I doing here?" Each week I found myself going to a different parish for confession. Finally, a priest told me about Courage. After finally making up my mind to attend a Courage meeting, my life slowly changed for the better. Today, after nine years with the Courage movement, my spiritual life has greatly progressed.
Steve: Courage, for me, has been my most effective realization of God's love. Having lived now some thirty-seven years in awareness of my homosexual struggle, it has been the work of Courage that enabled me to put my sexual reality into the light of faith and truth. Concretely, I was able to forego a life of constant seeking for sexual fulfillment in another man, only by turning the problem over to God's grace - and with this important area of Christian ministry..
Angelo: What Courage has done for me is bring love, compassion, support, and understanding of my own homosexual struggle. This, to me, is the best apostolate that the Church has ever brought forward. To me, it works to talk it out with good and holy people. It also brought me a sense of peace. I may even be tempted all the time, but I know that through God's grace, I have decided to live my life as a chaste person.
Ti: The Courage group showed me that there is a loving God who wants to forgive and heal me, a man troubled by homosexual thoughts and activities for thirty years.
Brian: I believe that God calls me to live a chaste life. And I believe He will give me the help I need to do this every step of the way. Courage helps me to realize this.
Jeff: I have just attended my first Courage Conference in the Bronx, NY. When I first learned about the Courage movement about 1 1/2 years ago while reading an American Catholic weekly, the Lord put it on my heart to get involved with people who struggle with homosexual feelings. I just knew that the Catholic Church in Montreal had a duty to minister to men and women who were unhappy with their lifestyle and who were secretly hoping that some good samaritans would reach out a helping hand. The only experience I can recall is that as a young boy some stranger cornered me in one of those three story wooden sheds in many back yards in the Montreal area. I don't remember any details - my mind suppressed it all, but I have a feeling that my privacy and dignity were assaulted - maybe a touch - I don't remember. I probably ran down the spiral staircase and into the house. I never told anybody about this except my wife recently (we are married 39 years with 5 children). This probably has affected my development somewhat though I don't know how. I have written to our Pope John Paul II (after getting a non-answer from our Bishop). The gist of my request is two-fold: Why don't we hear in our Catholic churches on Sundays those passages of Paul for example, with the sermon teaching our Catholic faithful what the Church teaches us and how God feels about homosexual activity. My second request was that St. Joseph be mentioned in the Canons of every mass so that the males can identify with the chaste spouse of the mother of Jesus. It would also give a clear message on the importance of the family in this age of fractured, wounded families. So here we are, ready to serve the Lord in whatever capacity He wants. We could dedicate Courage Montreal to Jesus, Mary and Joseph!
John: It's an oasis in the midst of ignorance and indifference. Through the grace of God's love, it gives me a focus point and direction that is seen in the faces of its members. It teaches one how to relate to God with perseverance and assurance. I thought I knew God but now I know Him better.
Steven: My wife and I attended the annual Courage conference last week. Our only son struggles with homosexual feelings. Courage is the only program within the Catholic Church in Canada and the United States that ministers to these individuals and espouses Church positions on sexual relations. Unfortunately, there is no Courage chapter in the diocese and basically it ignores the many Catholics under its pastoral care who have this orientation, and their parents. The Church provides no ministry to these individuals. The Church is losing these individuals because it offers no spiritual home to them. I strongly recommend that dioceses, parishes and schools at the secondary and college levels send a priest to the next Courage conference - his eyes will be opened to this major area of pastoral need, and he will learn for the first time the vast amount of information available through Courage, as well as the Christian leaders in this ministry. Equally important is the role of Courage in helping parents and relatives to understand and participate in the healing process.
This ministry is diverse. There are married couples in the parishes with children, where one of the partners has a struggles with homosexuality feelings. There are numerous single young people with this condition. Through Courage, these individuals learn the Church's position that the condition itself is not immoral, and that chastity is to be observed. Courage is a haven and a relief to many Catholics who are distressed by a gay lifestyle and wish to gain self-respect through chastity. Encourage offers the same ministry to concerned parents and relatives.
Courage chapters in the parishes and cities provide a healing environment where these individuals may learn about the option of chastity and the opportunity for dealing with the roots of the condition. It is an excellent ministry in which these individuals can come closer to Jesus than perhaps in any other parish constituency. Why parishes and dioceses have failed to support this program is a mystery. Courage also has links to movements outside the Church, such as the Regeneration group, that adhere to Catholic doctrine in this area. At this year's conference, we observed a few more parish priests in attendance. This is a good sign, but many, many more priests should take advantage of Courage to familiarize themselves with his important area of Christian ministry.
Richard: Courage saved me and saves me every day of my life. Before I discovered Courage, I was an emotionally beaten young man who was severely depressed. I loved God and my Catholic family but could not understand how God could harness me with the affliction of homosexuality feelings. I honestly thought I would go to my grave without ever telling anyone. I first realized I had homosexual feelings in my early twenties and by my late twenties I was having occasional anonymous homosexual encounters for which I just felt remorse. I had feelings and desires which appalled me. I was depressed and wounded. However, I still attended mass because the Catholic Church's teaching on the passion, death and resurrection of Jesus Christ as celebrated in the mass, provided some kind of vague hope. That hope materialized when I found out about Courage in a newspaper article that chronicled how Dignity was dismissed from a parish church in the Archdiocese of New York and that the Church provided for the pastoral care of persons who struggle with homosexual feelings through Courage. Courage was the answer! I met with Father John Harvey who was extraordinarily understanding and caring. I finally divulged my secret feelings and made my confession.
Through Courage I have learned the power of the twelve step program to help me achieve chastity. No longer do I feel alone in the world. I feel the presence of God in my life and have seen Him working in the lives of many others in Courage. The testimony of others in Courage has helped me understand myself and my relationship with my family, particularly my parents. I have also developed a much more meaningful prayer life. I attend mass more frequently. I am now reading scripture, which is something I never did. The only scripture I ever heard was at mass and, sadly, most of the time I did not listen. Scripture illumines the human soul and nature. In my years with Courage, I have developed a sense of healing and resolution of past emotional problems. I no longer pray for removal of adversity in my life, but for the patience, strength and wisdom to deal with it, and then let God's will be done. Courage has given me the tools to attain chastity, thereby allowing me to better know myself, and to lead a rewarding and spirit-filled life.
Andy: My struggle with homosexual feelings has been a cause of much pain, not only by the compulsion and self-destruction that it brought me, but also by influencing me to leave the Church. Politicians, pseudo-scientists and supposedly compassionate priests have been telling me in many ways "you just accept it - no point in fighting it all the time." This has been no solution, but self-deception. I wanted a place that will tell me that there are rights and wrongs in life. I am not looking for easy solutions. I wanted support, encouragement, prayer, spiritual sanity - I wanted to hear the voice of Christ. That place for me has been the "Courage Group Support" in the Catholic Church.
Chet: People who struggle with homosexual feelings, those who consider themselves "gay" must be made aware that there is an alternative to the lifestyle; one that is in accord with the teachings of the Church - this is precisely the function that Courage provides. The organization should be embraced and supported by the Church at all levels. It's an important ministry that gives members an opportunity to share common struggles and spiritual triumphs as they strive to live decent Christian lives. It provides hope, friendship, and guidance. Without the Courage group, the "friendship, hope and guidance" would come from "gay" people in the lifestyle, supporting the political agenda of the militant "gay" movement. Courage is an invaluable asset in the modern Church combining the spiritual with a practical alternative.
Barry: I am a 26 year old male and have been in Courage for one year and eight months. I'd been in psychotherapy for four years prior to Courage. Once a member, I found I was brought to another level. My prayer life has improved. I worry less. My chronic masturbating habit has decreased. I've met some of the holiest people in my life at Courage meetings and conferences. Courage combines wisdom, spiritual guidance, and human support to aid in healing and fostering the loving truth of God's presence in our lives. I have come to know the truth about myself and God, and know my troubles with homosexuality can be managed or ended altogether with divine intervention. Everything in this world breaks and/or falls apart - perhaps God planned it this way so I would be dependent on Him. He wants me. He loves me. He has called me in this way. I accept Him into my life. I go on in spite of difficulties...with a whole lot of courage on my part.
James: How does one talk about this struggle? It can be a real burden - lonely, frustrating and sad. For those of us who have the condition, we are not usually the envy of others. I myself have experienced the pain of this wound. I have angrily demanded from God the reason for this condition. Why must I suffer so? Then I think of others and all they have to endure. I think of friends I have met through the support group Courage, and I realize I am not alone. I do have someone who can understand these homosexual desires We can talk about it and even laugh about it. But, most importantly, we deal with it from a Catholic perspective - the true way. It is important that Courage be known in the Church. It's also important to talk about the sins of homosexual behavior as well as the sins of heterosexual behavior. It should never be denied. However, the human person who falls into any type of sin can rise again through the sacrament of reconciliation. There are souls out there craving for compassion and companionship. Please console them with the hope and peace that the Lord offers through the group Courage.
Wook: If it wasn't for the support of my local Courage chapter, I would be in much worse condition spiritually, socially and mentally.Courage has given me knowledge about the roots of my homosexual feelings, and has shown me that God loves the struggler. There is hope for us through groups like Courage. I've been attending the group for four years now. I take my hat off to all the leadership who have listened to the Spirit of God and who have made themselves available for us who desperately need such a support group. The five goals of Courage are goals that lead us to holiness and wholeness.
Greg: In four short months, Courage gave me a renewed faith which transformed my life:
1) The loss of my marriage, my job, access to my children - my coveted possession, and my extended family, all turned into gifts which allowed me to love the Lord more.
2) Suffering from attention deficit disorder became an opportunity to surrender my mind to the Lord, realizing the importance of what He brings to me in food or medicine.
3) The root of my homosexual lust, which caused me so much loss, was uncovered, giving me the power of choice.
Through the teaching of the Church, Courage took a burdened man and transformed him into one of the new generation of Catholics who desire to follow the lives of the saints over any other choice. Through the continued support of Courage members, I can keep my focus off of myself, growing through participating in the sacraments, walking closely with the Lord, and being a vessel of his love. I have been given the courage to surrender myself completely for the greater glory of God.
Peter: Courage has meant finally finding a group that supports Catholic beliefs, and accepts me, a broken person struggling with homosexual feelings, as a child of God. This group encourages and supports me in my attempt to lead a chaste life. Courage adheres to the Catholic Church's teachings that the struggler is a person; a child of God to love, respect and treat with dignity. It is not my broken-ness but my homosexual behavior that is sinful. The Church teaches that there is hope and healing for my sexual broken-ness through the love and salvation of our Lord Jesus Christ. The Church teaches that even with my homosexual struggle, through Jesus Christ I will be healed and saved as a child of God. The Courage support group has brought me many periods of peace - a peace I had never really experienced until I joined Courage.
Joshua: Courage for me, thus far, has been a calming and positive influence in my life. The organization has given me the opportunity to communicate with other persons dealing with their struggle with homosexual feelings, which helps abate the frustrating loneliness and suffering this affliction